Security Magazine logo
  • Sign In
  • Create Account
  • Sign Out
  • My Account
  • NEWS
  • MANAGEMENT
  • PHYSICAL
  • CYBER
  • BLOG
  • COLUMNS
  • EXCLUSIVES
  • SECTORS
  • EVENTS
  • MEDIA
  • MORE
  • EMAG
  • SIGN UP!
cart
facebook twitter linkedin youtube
  • NEWS
  • Security Newswire
  • Technologies & Solutions
  • MANAGEMENT
  • Leadership Management
  • Enterprise Services
  • Security Education & Training
  • Logical Security
  • Security & Business Resilience
  • Profiles in Excellence
  • PHYSICAL
  • Access Management
  • Fire & Life Safety
  • Identity Management
  • Physical Security
  • Video Surveillance
  • Case Studies (Physical)
  • CYBER
  • Cybersecurity News
  • More
  • COLUMNS
  • Cyber Tactics
  • Leadership & Management
  • Security Talk
  • Career Intelligence
  • Leader to Leader
  • Cybersecurity Education & Training
  • EXCLUSIVES
  • Annual Guarding Report
  • Most Influential People in Security
  • The Security Benchmark Report
  • Top Guard and Security Officer Companies
  • Top Cybersecurity Leaders
  • Women in Security
  • SECTORS
  • Arenas / Stadiums / Leagues / Entertainment
  • Banking/Finance/Insurance
  • Construction, Real Estate, Property Management
  • Education: K-12
  • Education: University
  • Government: Federal, State and Local
  • Hospitality & Casinos
  • Hospitals & Medical Centers
  • Infrastructure:Electric,Gas & Water
  • Ports: Sea, Land, & Air
  • Retail/Restaurants/Convenience
  • Transportation/Logistics/Supply Chain/Distribution/ Warehousing
  • EVENTS
  • Industry Events
  • Webinars
  • Solutions by Sector
  • Security 500 Conference
  • MEDIA
  • Videos
  • Podcasts
  • Polls
  • Photo Galleries
  • Videos
  • Cybersecurity & Geopolitical Discussion
  • Ask Me Anything (AMA) Series
  • MORE
  • Call for Entries
  • Classifieds & Job Listings
  • Continuing Education
  • Newsletter
  • Sponsor Insights
  • Store
  • White Papers
  • EMAG
  • eMagazine
  • This Month's Content
  • Advertise
Security Magazine logo
search
cart
facebook twitter linkedin youtube
  • Sign In
  • Create Account
  • Sign Out
  • My Account
Security Magazine logo
  • NEWS
    • Security Newswire
    • Technologies & Solutions
  • MANAGEMENT
    • Leadership Management
    • Enterprise Services
    • Security Education & Training
    • Logical Security
    • Security & Business Resilience
    • Profiles in Excellence
  • PHYSICAL
    • Access Management
    • Fire & Life Safety
    • Identity Management
    • Physical Security
    • Video Surveillance
    • Case Studies (Physical)
  • CYBER
    • Cybersecurity News
    • More
  • BLOG
  • COLUMNS
    • Cyber Tactics
    • Leadership & Management
    • Security Talk
    • Career Intelligence
    • Leader to Leader
    • Cybersecurity Education & Training
  • EXCLUSIVES
    • Annual Guarding Report
    • Most Influential People in Security
    • The Security Benchmark Report
    • Top Guard and Security Officer Companies
    • Top Cybersecurity Leaders
    • Women in Security
  • SECTORS
    • Arenas / Stadiums / Leagues / Entertainment
    • Banking/Finance/Insurance
    • Construction, Real Estate, Property Management
    • Education: K-12
    • Education: University
    • Government: Federal, State and Local
    • Hospitality & Casinos
    • Hospitals & Medical Centers
    • Infrastructure:Electric,Gas & Water
    • Ports: Sea, Land, & Air
    • Retail/Restaurants/Convenience
    • Transportation/Logistics/Supply Chain/Distribution/ Warehousing
  • EVENTS
    • Industry Events
    • Webinars
    • Solutions by Sector
    • Security 500 Conference
  • MEDIA
    • Videos
      • Cybersecurity & Geopolitical Discussion
      • Ask Me Anything (AMA) Series
    • Podcasts
    • Polls
    • Photo Galleries
  • MORE
    • Call for Entries
    • Classifieds & Job Listings
    • Continuing Education
    • Newsletter
    • Sponsor Insights
    • Store
    • White Papers
  • EMAG
    • eMagazine
    • This Month's Content
    • Advertise
  • SIGN UP!

An Ear for Listening

By David Benzel
May 1, 2008
“Tell-me-more” works well, but the timing needs to be different depending on the situation, says David Benzel.
 
Dad was waiting in the parking lot at the usual time.  As the basketball players left the gym, he noticed his 10-year-old’s head hanging low.  When his son jumped in the car, and slammed the door, the father asked, “How was practice?”  The boy replied, “I hate my coach.”  This kind of response did not sit well with Dad.  Three thoughts rushed to his head, all fighting to be delivered in a correcting tone.  First, “I’ve taught you not to speak so disrespectfully about any coach or adult.”  Second, “Are you kidding?  This guy is a great coach – one of the best!”  Third, “Do you have any idea how hard I worked to make sure you were placed on this guy’s team?”  For some reason, Dad chose not to speak any of those condemning thoughts, and instead three words came out of his mouth, perhaps three of the best words he’d ever accidentally said: “Tell me more.” 

His son went on to explain the events that took place during practice.  Dad knew he wasn’t getting the whole story yet, so he added, “What else happened?”  Eventually – and it took a little while – they got to the part where the son admitted to getting side-tracked during practice, got caught goofing off during one of the drills and was reprimanded for it.  In the final analysis, his young son was so embarrassed by the coach’s reprimand in front of the other players that it led him to declare, “I hate my coach.”

The point is this: Dad’s first, second and third thoughts – if delivered immediately – would have missed the mark by a mile.  They were totally irrelevant in view of the facts, which would never have been revealed if he’d blurted out his all-knowing speech. He had been guilty more than once of jumping the gun with a quick response, but he learned so much more on this occasion with just three little words: “Tell me more.”  The complete story gave him much more insight into his son, how he thinks and how he reacts.

As a chief security officer, you have the same responsibility a dad has to his son – listen, get the facts, determine the problem, and help resolve the situation.

Listening is an art and a skill.  It requires discipline and focused attention.  When you give the gift of silence, you allow others the chance to think and process their thoughts.  The time required to do this varies tremendously, depending on whom you’re talking to.

When it comes to sharing thoughts and feelings about an event, there are two very different types of personalities.  In both cases, the “tell-me-more” approach works well, but the timing needs to be different.

THE FAST-TWITCH RESPONDER

Some people tend to think their thoughts out loud for everyone to hear – often in a very blunt fashion – then they do the editing in public, too. “Here’s what I really mean” or “Let me rephrase that.”  They might revise their initial version of the facts several times.  Typically, they quickly offer the information you’re seeking so it may seem as though very little patience is required on your part.  They don’t make you wait very long, yet immediately jumping in with your assumptions drawn and conclusions blazing will most often prove to be a mistake.  This conversation is a work-in-progress for this quick responder, and it’s far more prudent for you to deliver a well-timed, “Tell me more” or an “…and then what?”  The additional information you receive next will be worth the wait, as feelings and thoughts become clearer in the mind of this fast-twitch responder.
 

THE SLOW-TWITCH RESPONDER

Other people tend to process everything internally, preferring not to share the end result until it is edited and refined to a finished product.  These people never share a verbal “rough draft.”  The new stimuli they receive in conversations enter a processing chamber where it is kept, considered and condensed into manageable material.  This takes time and requires patience by those who eagerly await an explanation or a report about what’s going on.  Impatience at this point will cause the listener to jump straight into “tell” mode, as in, “Let me tell you what I think.”  The lecture the listener delivers is usually not appreciated nor helpful.  On the other hand, patience combined with thoughtful silence will usually produce a concise account of true feelings and ideas from a slow-twitch responder.

To gain credibility, learn to give space and time to others before making your verbal contribution.  Give the gift of silence and let people consider their actions and their words.  Use phrases like: “Tell me more.” “What else?” “What then?” “How so?” “What did that mean to you?” “How are you feeling now?” These phrases will prompt more information, which will give you a detailed understanding of people and situations.  Not only will this build trust, but it will also keep you from making incorrect assumptions about people and events.

Find an opportunity to use the phrase, “Tell me more.”  Resist the temptation to respond with your own thoughts until you allow them to tell you what’s on their minds.  The only assumption worth having is one when you expect there’s more to the story, not one when you think you have all the answers.  Nine times out of ten, your best guess about the truth will never be as rich as the story you need to hear. 

Share This Story

Looking for a reprint of this article?
From high-res PDFs to custom plaques, order your copy today!

Trainer and educator David Benzel is an author and expert in leadership and creating peak performance. As the founder of Winning Ways, he has worked with organizations including Allstate Insurance, Sprint/Nextel and The Villages. Contact him at davebenzel@cs.com

Recommended Content

JOIN TODAY
To unlock your recommendations.

Already have an account? Sign In

  • Security's Top Cybersecurity Leaders 2024

    Security's Top Cybersecurity Leaders 2024

    Security magazine's Top Cybersecurity Leaders 2024 award...
    Top Cybersecurity Leaders
    By: Security Staff
  • cyber brain

    The intersection of cybersecurity and artificial intelligence

    Artificial intelligence (AI) is a valuable cybersecurity...
    Cybersecurity
    By: Pam Nigro
  • artificial intelligence AI graphic

    Assessing the pros and cons of AI for cybersecurity

    Artificial intelligence (AI) has significant implications...
    Technologies & Solutions
    By: Charles Denyer
Manage My Account
  • Security eNewsletter & Other eNews Alerts
  • eMagazine Subscriptions
  • Manage My Preferences
  • Online Registration
  • Mobile App
  • Subscription Customer Service

Middle East Escalation, Humanitarian Law and Disinformation – Episode 25

Middle East Escalation, Humanitarian Law and Disinformation – Episode 25

The Money Laundering Machine: Inside the global crime epidemic - Episode 24

The Money Laundering Machine: Inside the global crime epidemic - Episode 24

Security’s Top 5 – 2024 Year in Review

Security’s Top 5 – 2024 Year in Review

More Videos

Sponsored Content

Sponsored Content is a special paid section where industry companies provide high quality, objective, non-commercial content around topics of interest to the Security audience. All Sponsored Content is supplied by the advertising company and any opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily reflect the views of Security or its parent company, BNP Media. Interested in participating in our Sponsored Content section? Contact your local rep!

close
  • Sureview screen
    Sponsored bySureView Systems

    The Evolution of Automation in the Command Center

  • Crisis Response Team
    Sponsored byEverbridge

    Automate or Fall Behind – Crisis Response at the Speed of Risk

  • Perimeter security
    Sponsored byAMAROK

    Why Property Security is the New Competitive Advantage

Popular Stories

Rendered computer with keyboard

16B Login Credentials Exposed in World’s Largest Data Breach

Verizon on phone screen

61M Records Listed for Sale Online, Allegedly Belong to Verizon

Security’s 2025 Women in Security

Security’s 2025 Women in Security

Red spiderweb

From Retail to Insurance, Scattered Spider Changes Targets

blurry multicolored text on black screen

PowerSchool Education Technology Company Announces Data Breach

Events

August 7, 2025

Threats to the Energy Sector: Implications for Corporate and National Security

The energy sector has found itself in the crosshairs of virtually every bad actor on the global stage.

August 27, 2025

Risk Mitigation as a Competitive Edge

In today’s volatile environment, a robust risk management strategy isn’t just a requirement—it’s a foundation for organizational resilience. From cyber threats to climate disruptions, the ability to anticipate, withstand, and adapt to disruption is becoming a hallmark of industry leaders.

View All Submit An Event

Products

Security Culture: A How-to Guide for Improving Security Culture and Dealing with People Risk in Your Organisation

Security Culture: A How-to Guide for Improving Security Culture and Dealing with People Risk in Your Organisation

See More Products

Related Articles

  • Align Leadership Decisions to Magnetic North

    See More
  • Shed the Superman Cape: Five Steps to Build Credibility

    See More
  • Emergency Exits Worth Listening To

    See More

Related Products

See More Products
  • physical security.webp

    Physical Security Assessment Handbook An Insider’s Guide to Securing a Business

  • 150952519X.jpg

    Intelligence in An Insecure World, 3rd Edition

  • 9781498767118.jpg

    Intelligent Video Surveillance Systems: An Algorithmic Approach

See More Products
×

Sign-up to receive top management & result-driven techniques in the industry.

Join over 20,000+ industry leaders who receive our premium content.

SIGN UP TODAY!
  • RESOURCES
    • Advertise
    • Contact Us
    • Store
    • Want More
  • SIGN UP TODAY
    • Create Account
    • eMagazine
    • eNewsletter
    • Customer Service
    • Manage Preferences
  • SERVICES
    • Marketing Services
    • Reprints
    • Market Research
    • List Rental
    • Survey/Respondent Access
  • STAY CONNECTED
    • LinkedIn
    • Facebook
    • YouTube
    • X (Twitter)
  • PRIVACY
    • PRIVACY POLICY
    • TERMS & CONDITIONS
    • DO NOT SELL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION
    • PRIVACY REQUEST
    • ACCESSIBILITY

Copyright ©2025. All Rights Reserved BNP Media.

Design, CMS, Hosting & Web Development :: ePublishing

Security Magazine logo
search
cart
facebook twitter linkedin youtube
  • Sign In
  • Create Account
  • Sign Out
  • My Account
Security Magazine logo
  • NEWS
    • Security Newswire
    • Technologies & Solutions
  • MANAGEMENT
    • Leadership Management
    • Enterprise Services
    • Security Education & Training
    • Logical Security
    • Security & Business Resilience
    • Profiles in Excellence
  • PHYSICAL
    • Access Management
    • Fire & Life Safety
    • Identity Management
    • Physical Security
    • Video Surveillance
    • Case Studies (Physical)
  • CYBER
    • Cybersecurity News
    • More
  • BLOG
  • COLUMNS
    • Cyber Tactics
    • Leadership & Management
    • Security Talk
    • Career Intelligence
    • Leader to Leader
    • Cybersecurity Education & Training
  • EXCLUSIVES
    • Annual Guarding Report
    • Most Influential People in Security
    • The Security Benchmark Report
    • Top Guard and Security Officer Companies
    • Top Cybersecurity Leaders
    • Women in Security
  • SECTORS
    • Arenas / Stadiums / Leagues / Entertainment
    • Banking/Finance/Insurance
    • Construction, Real Estate, Property Management
    • Education: K-12
    • Education: University
    • Government: Federal, State and Local
    • Hospitality & Casinos
    • Hospitals & Medical Centers
    • Infrastructure:Electric,Gas & Water
    • Ports: Sea, Land, & Air
    • Retail/Restaurants/Convenience
    • Transportation/Logistics/Supply Chain/Distribution/ Warehousing
  • EVENTS
    • Industry Events
    • Webinars
    • Solutions by Sector
    • Security 500 Conference
  • MEDIA
    • Videos
      • Cybersecurity & Geopolitical Discussion
      • Ask Me Anything (AMA) Series
    • Podcasts
    • Polls
    • Photo Galleries
  • MORE
    • Call for Entries
    • Classifieds & Job Listings
    • Continuing Education
    • Newsletter
    • Sponsor Insights
    • Store
    • White Papers
  • EMAG
    • eMagazine
    • This Month's Content
    • Advertise
  • SIGN UP!